Comfort and Joy

Family at Service of Ordination

This past week marked six months in my first call here at Westminster Presbyterian Church.  It has been a whirlwind of a time, including: a beyond amazing service of Ordination and lovely Installation service in September, joining Company of New Pastors in October, lock-ins, sermons, retreats, movie nights, kitten parties, and a great Thanksgiving in Texas with the family.  There's also been countless meetings, phone calls, breakfasts, lunches, and dinners (you know we church people love to eat!!) emails answered, and lots of time dreaming of what is to come for this church I have come to love so dearly.

Some of the BEST people I know!

Not a day goes by that I don't recognize how extremely blessed I am to be doing what I love to do - working alongside the children of God to share how we see God at work in our world, learn more about God, ask questions and explore our God, and share the Good News with our world.  These youth I work with are so extremely smart (seriously...I do super big grammar checks for my sermons so I don't get caught!), they're inquisitive, and so fun to be around.  They are also ridiculously talented - I've been to football games, marching band exhibitions, orchestra concerts, and dance recitals and have just been in awe by their talent and passion.  

My name in lights! (well....you know what I mean...)

Amazing Installation Gift - Milo, the kitty

And not only are the youth amazing, I have some of the best adults here at WPC who hold me, this ministry, this church in prayer and share willingly of their time and resources. I've been welcomed to book clubs, bible studies, brunches and dinners, and even just have been greeted with genuine hospitality and joy. I've been about to preach and confessed to how nervous I was and was gently encouraged by someone saying, "take a breath - you got this!"  I've been trusted and supported to try new things (within the first year!) with prayer services and youth things, and things have not erupted in flames. 

RETREAT! @ Calvin Center in Georgia

God has been good and I feel affirmed to be where I am for this time and place - doing what God has called and created me to do.  (Real talk - it has not always been smooth sailing - remember, all people, even pastors, have bad days...)  

What, you don't hold squid while wearing goggles?

God has been good.  

But...

There is one thing I was aware of but not 100% prepared for in accepting this ordained life: how much I would miss home. Y'all, I cried from the opening chords of the prelude at my ordination service all the way through.  It was this roller coaster of feelings - joy for sure! But also a sense of sorrow.  I was leaving my home, my family and my church family.  Yes, I know I've been away from Texas for over 5 years now, but in  my head and heart, it was a temporary thing.  In the past six months, not only have I been wrestling with this new call and life, but also with a longing for what has been.  

Youth Singers & me at Christmas Cantata

I've been musing about this blog post for quite some time, and recently read another pastor's piece on how he just wants to go home for Christmas.  A combination of reading his piece (you can read it here), leading chapel for some amazing preschoolers on Luke 2, mixed with finding myself teary eyed every time I've entered Hobby Lobby or any other store that does giant Christmas displays,  and a longing to get back into a somewhat regular writing practice has thus lead to this post today.  No tea or sympathy is needed, just a reminder that there is much in our Christmas season that centers around being home, and there are many in the world who are trying to figure out what their "home" looks like, some who have no place to call home, others who are fleeing for safety from homes, or some who are away from home in order to keep others safe.  

Singing with the choir at the Christmas Cantata.

I've been caught multiple times talking about my "home" church, Canyon Creek Presbyterian Church in Richardson, TX, and finally a lovely member kindly reminded me that Westminster is my new home church.  It wasn't done in malice or any kind of contempt - but it was kind of this ah-ha moment for me and caused me to shift my thinking.

Laying on of hands at Ordination at CCPC.

Canyon Creek Presbyterian Church, the church that has nurtured my from a very early age, through my teenage years, through college, and then seminary, will always be my first home church.  It is where I discovered a heart for music and worship.  It is where I felt valued as a church member and child of God, even though I was a small child.  It is where generosity of prayers, cards, and encouragement have sustained me through some seasons of sadness and turmoil.  It will always be the place where my siblings and cousin and I sang 4 part harmony to Christmas carols, and where I fell in love with crunchy ice. Though just a building, the saints of the past and present members have been the ones who have continued to nurture me and helped me to articulate who God is: through many Vacation Bible Schools, through mission trips, through children's and youth choirs, through cups of coffee and doughnuts in the Atrium, through high fives in the hallways, and through sermons delivered.  CCPC (or, Cuh Cuh Puh Cuh) will always hold a special place in my heart. 

In this season of Advent, there has been one story that has kind of stuck with me the past month. It's in Luke 2, when the angel appears to the shepherds and says, "Do not be afraid - for I bring you good news of great joy for all people".  One Christian publishing company (Sparkhouse) made a little cartoon version of this where it shows a shepherd just losing it in fear (his other shepherd buddies have passed out in fear) but this guy - he's crying out, shaking and trembling, and just can't handle himself.  The angel tries to shush him and calm him in various fashions before picking him up like a baby, putting a pacifier in his mouth and rocking him to sleep, while singing a lullaby. Once he soothes him, the chorus of angels show up and everyone is full of joy.

Sometimes, even as adults, we need to be picked up, sung to, rocked, and comforted. Along with the joy of the news of the birth of our Savior comes a cup of comfort for the mysterious and unknown that too has come. 

Along with the joy, comes a cup of comfort.

For those experiencing sadness or fear, the angel comes and reminds us in whom our comfort lies. For those of us experiencing our first Christmas away from home, surrounded by people yet still feeling alone, there is comfort. For those of us who are a bit blue about this Season of Joy, there is comfort. For those of us still feeling the loss of someone dear, there is comfort.  For those of us finding ourselves overwhelmed with fears for the future, there is comfort.  For those of us trying to figure out what "home" looks like for us, there is comfort.  For those of us wandering in the darkness, seeking the light, there is comfort. 

There is comfort and joy coming in the birth of a tiny babe. 

There is good news of great joy for all people.  

Praise be to God, and tidings of comfort and joy to you and yours this Christmas Season. 

What's Up, Buttercup?

Lovely ladies I'm privileged to call friends!

 This past month has been a whirlwind for me with finishing up school, graduating, moving, meetings with presbytery folks, finding a place to live, and ACCEPTING A CALL. 

Yup, that's right. 

Starting in July, I will be the Associate Pastor of Youth and Young Adults at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Snellville, GA (about 30 miles east of Atlanta).

Westminster Presbyterian Church

 I am super excited to be called to this church and get back in the work I love to do. This call process has been such a learning experience - it's a bit like riding a roller coaster at times - there's periods of blissful ignorance as you just cruise along, with no clue what's around the corner, periods of intense motion - both in terms of workload and in terms of emotions - there's really sharp turns that make you a bit queasy, and then there's the end - where you feel elation and a bit of trepidation of what happens when you step out of the car. 

I have degrees!

That's where I am stepping off one roller coaster ride, getting ready to step on to a different one.  I am elated to be joining this church. I have enjoyed working with this APNC from day one - the questions, the conversations- the dreaming and the "real talk".  But too, I find myself a wee bit nervous about it all.  I've been preparing for this call for the past four years (ok, ok, some would probably say much longer...).  And it's here!  I'm excited! They're excited! We're all excited!

And then that nervousness creeps in.  Starting any new job can be a tad scary, and I don't think those of us called to church jobs are immune to that. 

I love the CTS Faculty.

A minister I admire recently preached her last sermon at her church (my home church), and it was entitled, "Tossed and Scorched". The text was from Acts 2, the story of the first day of Pentecost.  It was a reflection of sorts on her ten years with our church as well as reflection on the first church. Her sermon really resonated with me.  There I was, sitting in the pew - thinking about how I was about to just start this job with title "pastor" in it and kind of feeling scared and anxious about the "what ifs":

  What if they don't like me? What if I make a mistake? What if I don't preach a sermon they like? What if I make a total fool out of myself in front of the youth? 

And then, Stacy's sermon reaches out to me and settles those nerves. She reminded us of that first Sunday of the church and what the fire and wind did:

"That brilliant fire and powerful wind transformed everything, and my friends, it still does. That's the point - the point of its tossing and burning among us - to refine us - to make of us the people God can use to build a kingdom and change the world. So when the Spirit leads our church, or when the Spirit leads our lives, we should expect a little heat - a little turbulence - because it's in the tossing that we learn to trust a God bigger than our imagining and it's in the fire of God's love that divine plans - plans bigger than our own - are given birth."

Just like with any new beginning, there's going to be a few bumps. I know I will make mistakes - I'm human.  I'll most likely make a fool out of myself in front of the youth, and it will probably revolve around my astounding knowledge of Disney music or need to tie dye ridiculous amounts of things. And the youth will most likely laugh, shake their heads, and continue to see me as Katy Walters, their new pastor. I'm gonna get tossed and scorched a bit - just like I was at Columbia - at my first church jobs years ago, and even farther back! That's part of the process - it's a good thing. It provides for reflection and hopefully, some learning to take place. 

Aunt Katy with all the nephews and nieces!

So, I'm getting ready to say goodbye to Texas for awhile.  I'm going to (finally) change my driver's license over to the Peach state, as well as the tags on my car. I've got a great apartment and during the month of June, will be getting it set up. I've got a few weeks out at Camp Calvin in the works, and of course, some time at place called Montreat, and then, I'll start working!

The fam in ATL.

I'm so overwhelmingly grateful for all those who have walked alongside me in my time at CTS and especially these past few weeks - thanks for your pep talks and prayers and sweet notes. There have been many times in the past couple of weeks I've just felt overwhelmed and I've had friends answer phone calls, friends who cook an amazing dinner, friends who walk with me to get fro-yo, family members who give me words of encouragement, watch a mindless movie with me or just let me lounge by their pool.  There have been an abundance of hugs of congratulations and so much joy that has been shared.  

I'm excited. 

And nervous. 

For now, I'm going to enjoy these last few days in Texas - soaking up sunshine and probably eating more Tex-Mex than anyone ever should. 

Praise be to God. 

If you would like to hear the Rev. Dr. Stacy Ikard's sermon in full, you can listen here. 

Prayer for a Capstone Course

We've had some lovely images from our professors this week.

My final class of seminary has been an intensive course of sorts.  It has been one week long (this week), and also included a few Saturdays in the past months and of course, tomorrow.  Despite the initial whining that came with Saturday class and some early mornings, it has been such a productive time spent with my peers and professors. 

Broyles Leadership Center on my Campus

Here's a bit of the course description:

Imaginative and resilient leaders need imaginative and resilient communities.  Relying on case study methodology and drawing upon students' life experiences and seminary studies with special attention to theologically acute contextual analysis, this course explores ways to develop such communities, especially as those communities are dealing with the significant upheavals and driving trends of twenty-first century western society.  Along the way, we'll have the chance to interact with scholars in the social and natural sciences who research community formation and resilience as well as reflect on our own varied and various strengths in leadership.

There's been a few papers, good worship, and of course, group projects.  (What's seminary without them?)  We've laughed, shared some fears, asked questions (lots of them, as expected), heard from those in the field of ministry, talked with scientists, authors, experts, and each other.  We've visited communities in and around Atlanta that represent ideas of imaginative and resilient communities. 

We've spent time in prayer for our broken world. We've skyped with an alum doing amazing work in Baltimore. We've been practically applying much of what we've soaked up the past few years.  And then, we've laughed some more. 

My group led worship yesterday morning on the second to last day of our seminary journey. We read scripture, we sang (of course!), and we prayed. My friend Bethany shared a prayer with our group that really resonated with me for where I am in this time and place as I seek to discern what is next for me in this call to serve the church. It's been printed out and is hanging in my room for these last few days here at Columbia Theological Seminary - a visual and spiritual reminder that I'm not alone in what comes next. 

God of all creation

God who gives us life and faith

God whose power and grace know no bounds

We come before you today with much gratitude, and with much trepidation

We are grateful that you have brought us to this place in this time to learn to be more faithful servants.

We are grateful that you are equipping the called. 

We are grateful that your Word stands today and always.

And we ask that you forgive our unbelief. 

For even though you called us, you brought us here, you guide us, we find ourselves lacking faith in ourselves, and in you.

Forgive our unbelief, Lord.

Be with us as we step out on faith.

Give us wisdom and courage and hope in you, 

That we may be your servants, imitating Christ, led by your Holy Spirit.

Your love knows no ends, gracious God.

Your joy is boundless.

Your gifts are infinite.

Help us to know your joy, express your love, and use our gifts to your glory...

Now and always. 

Amen

Lenten Challenge, 2015

If you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed a reoccurring theme in my pictures the past few weeks: there's been a ton of food pictures, and mostly fruits and vegetables.  The hashtags* for these posts have included: #eatyoveggies, #lentenchallenge, and #healthyseminarian. 

 (*hashtags defined as a word or an unspaced phrase prefixed with the hash character (or number sign) to form a label, thank you wikipedia)

Banana, Edamame, Spicy Baked Sweet Potato Fries

This has been my Lenten practice this year. Not the food pictures or hashtags, but the incorporation of fruits and vegetables into my daily eating.

You might wonder what in the world possessed me to take on this challenge. It started with a message on our campus from our Healthy Seminarians-Healthy Church Initiative Group:

Lenten “Fruit & Vegetable Tracking” Team Challenge!

Tired of giving up chocolate for Lent? Want a more fruitful way of observing the season? Consider participating in this 40-day challenge. Here is how it works:

• Register to participate 

• Everyone will be randomly placed in teams of four.

• Each week during Lent, everyone will keep track of their fruit and vegetable consumption via the tracking forms e-mailed to you by Karen.

• The team that has the best average* during Lent wins a prize!

Tomato, basil, and fresh mozzarella

Why are we doing this? Because most people in the United States do not meet the minimum daily requirements of fruit and vegetable consumption. Adult daily intake should be between 7-11 servings based on age and activity level. However, adults are currently consuming approximately 1 serving of fruit and 1.5 servings of vegetables a day.

* Since we don’t want to promote over consumption, everyone will be given a target number based on age and activity level. Plus, everyone will be able to earn extra points for consuming local and in-season produce. 

I was intrigued by this challenge, and had been wondering what I would do for my Lenten practice this year.  In the past, I've taken on things, such as daily journaling or not eating fast food.  I've never fully succeeded and often ended up walking through Lent with feelings of shame and failure as opposed to focusing on what draws me towards Christ.


I talked with some of my friends and somehow we all convinced each other to do this together.  So, I signed up and sent my age and daily workout goals to Karen, who is the Healthy Seminarians – Healthy Church Initiative Executive Director, and she calculated what my daily goal of fruits and vegetables should be. 

The goal: 9 - 4 servings of fruit and 5 servings of vegetables, daily.  

Complex (kidding!) system of keeping track.

I'm not going to lie, the first couple of weeks were hard. In fact, they kind of sucked. I was constantly thinking of food, and what food I was going to eat, and how to plan out my snacks and what to eat when and where, and when would I find the time to choke down carrots and celery!   

And then, I realized I should be doing what I already love to do - cook - and just see how I could adapt the recipes for some more veggies.  This was a pivotal moment in this Lenten journey - I started enjoying getting these fruits and veggies in.  

Asparagus wrapped in bacon, with Parmesan

 I'm not going to lie, not only have my veggies and fruits been higher, but my bacon intake has risen significantly, as I've wrapped MANY a vegetables in this delicious product.  I also feel like I've been reintroduced to my vegetables and fruits.  Somewhere in my thirty years of living, I forgot the potential and just how tasty the fruits (and vegetables) of the earth are.  

There have been times my meals have been so simple that they seem childish at times, full of color and taste, and kind of fun to eat:

Edamame, grapes, baby peppers, and celery

There have been other times when I've been super impressed by my own ability to follow instructions and create meals that seem almost gourmet by some standards:

Sweet potato hash with kale, bacon, and an egg

I've cooked for others - one of my favorites has been the Vegetable Fried Rice from the Thug Kitchen cookbook.  (I've of course adapted it, and added an egg on top, which seems to be the story of my life.)

Veggie Fried Rice, adapted from Thug Kitchen

I've been more conscious of what I'm eating, at first just in terms getting the fruits and veggies in, but as it has progressed, what is in season, what is sustainable, and what my body needs. There are a few things I've learned while on this Lenten journey I thought I would share:

1. Everything is better when you have a partner or team. 

My roommate is participating in this challenge, and we happen to be on the same team.  It has been so much fun to brainstorm, whine a little bit, share our celebrations, and just have someone who knows what I'm doing and doesn't think it is crazy when at 11:00 pm I am heating up a bowl of mixed veggies for my bedtime snack.  I haven't had a spiritual discipline that has had this kind of partnership involved, where there is a team to encourage one another, and where even encouragement from other teams, all for the sake of reaching our goals.  It has made this journey a sharing experience, and we all know, I'm a sharer. 

Food Deserts according to USDA ERS; yellow star is CTS.

2. Injustice exists in our supermarkets - food deserts are real.

Where I live in Decatur, I have a couple of options on where to spend my money.  If I go to downtown Decatur, there's Baby Kroger, where the produce aisle is the size of the kitchen in our apartment (medium size) and has either very fresh or very old produce.  Then, if I go about three miles north, I'm at the Big Kroger - which has recently been remodeled and now hosts one of the largest organics section out of all my Kroger's. For the most part, this Kroger is super stocked, super clean, and full of super helpful people to meet my needs.  I love this Kroger for so many reasons.  But I struggle, because the Kroger I most often go to is one mile from my home.  And this Kroger is of a different feel and it definitely caters to a different crowd.  There is a barber, beauty shop, and nail salon and some other residences in this Kroger.  I feel loyal to this Kroger, but have noticed a profound difference in their produce and their product placements.  If the saying, "we are what we eat" is a true statement, these stores are catering to their "majority demographic".  Of course if I had the option between a brown and bruised apple and a Little Debbie apple cake, I'm going with Little Debbie.  I've been continually frustrated on this Lenten journey how socioeconomic status have determined for many what diet they should follow. 

Afternoon smoothie with some almond M&M's

3. It is all about balance. 

I'm not going to lie - one of my first thoughts in this challenge was how would I get to eat all those things I love eating - bread - sweets - things that don't always have vegetables.  Well - it's about balance.  I didn't just stop eating all that junk (that I love so dearly). What I did start doing was just negotiating it all - going out to a restaurant?  The occasional times that I eat out, I make the decision to have a side salad with my entree. No lie, there have been times it's been contested what actually fits into those fruit and vegetable categories.  (And no, fried sweet potato fries do not...baked, maybe...) What I have noticed is that I don't want all those things as much. Many of you know I always have my M&M jar - I've still got it!  But I don't just choose the M&M's - I go for the grapes or I go for the carrots with some hummus.  These little steps of incorporating veggies and fruits has made me not want to "waste" my day by just eating maybe not the best kind of foods for you, especially late at night.  I'd heard a rumor that if you change some of your eating habits, you don't crave certain things you did before.  This has proven true - now when I want sugar, I am satisfied with an apple and some almond butter.*

*Confession: I totally made zucchini chocolate chip bread this week that is PHENOMENAL. 
So, once again, negotiating. 

4. I'm more aware of God's good creation.
Anyone who has gone on a walk with me might remember I stop often, especially if there is some sort of bird or puppy or something colorful to look at.  I still do these things. And now, I do these things when I eat.  I've always enjoyed food - I've loved cooking and baking, but there seems to be a deeper understanding when I bite into some perfectly ripe produce. With the start of strawberry season, I sometimes feel like I am eating sunshine- they are just so darn good. Never has Psalm 24:1 seemed more true, "the earth is the Lord's and all it contains". As I wash the produce, I think of all the hands that have worked to get it to my kitchen here in Decatur - those who have planted, have nurtured, picked, boxed, and made it possible for this little bit of sunshine to show up in my kitchen. I'm working towards sustaining a budget where I can buy produce that comes with no guilt - that is supported by fair wages and sustainable practices.  With the nicer weather, our local Farmer's Market is starting back up, and I'm looking forward to meeting the faces of those who call this their vocation.

5. This is a sustainable practice. 
Just as fasting is a spiritual discipline, I've noticed so is eating. I am more aware of what is on my table, of what is going into my body, and how my body feels in participating in this challenge.  Am I going to become a vegetarian? Most likely not.  (See above comment on eggs and bacon.)  What I am is more aware of what I am saying is important in what I purchase.  I've had MORE trips to the grocery store that have had NO processed foods than ones that have.  This is exciting for me!  These small, daily decisions to not only eat a certain way, but also to compost, encourage others in their eating habits, and eat in season are sustainable. While I have been quite motivated by the point system in the challenge, I stopped caring about points a few weeks ago and just love these new eating habits. I love that I open my veggie drawer and see endless possibilities, and not something to fear.  I love that I have tried quite a few new recipes - some which have FAILED and some which have been huge successes.  I'm so proud that at the ripe old age of 30, I eat roasted brussel sprouts like some people eat popcorn. (THEY WERE SO GOOD.  LIKE WRITE HOME TO YOUR MAMA GOOD.) I love that I stop and pause in my busy days to notice the beauty that comes in the mundane, such as the end bits of celery.

Have I had any huge revelations along this journey towards the cross?
Nothing huge - but definitely life changing. How I eat is a reflection of how I see Christ at work in the world. I think Jesus would be behind fair wages for farm workers. I'm pretty certain Jesus would weep that not all his children could enjoy the literal fruits of God's creation. I think Jesus would have some words to say on how our neighborhoods and grocery stores are shaped by economics and not necessarily need. This somewhat simple journey of eating fruits and 
vegetables has been one filled with joy and misery (the day I ate too much kale...)
It has been a journey that has shifted from what is easy and cheap to one that is thoughtful and demands a bit of work.  It has been fun and it has been a bit childlike at times. It's led to many interesting conversations that take me outside my walls of comfort in meaningful ways.

Typical breakfast: avocado toast with tomato

As we move towards the cross this week, here is a reflection shared by the Iona Community from "A Chaos of Uncalculating Love" by George Macleod :

In the temple You threw out the money changers, Lord Christ:

down the steps and out of the door –

and into the vacant aisles came the children

shouting for joy and dancing round.

Too often we are the money changers:

giving short change in spiritual things

to many who seek the true coin:

making the Church an institute

when you want it to be a chaos of uncalculating love.

Drive out from out hearts

our calculated offerings,

our easy responses,

and let child-like faith

flood into us again.

Grant us such abandon, of Your grace alone,

that we too shall be made strong

to go outside the city wall

outside holiness

and die in the bloody mess of another Calvary

that the Church at home may live again.

Choose Kind

I recently read a book (for class!) called Wonder, by R.J. Palacio, and it is one of those books I couldn't put down.  There's a variety of characters involved in the story, but it mainly focuses on the life of 10 yr old Augustus, or Auggie, for short. Auggie suffers from a chromosomal disorder which has left him with a face that looks a bit different. Auggie is the unconventional hero, facing bullies, facing discrimination, and facing middle school - all with this grand sense of humor, and wonder. The story allows for insights from his life from his perspective, as well as his sister's, a few of his friends - and yes, even his bully.  I'm not going to tell you the whole story, but I am going to recommend that you take the time to read this book. 

And then, after you have read it and experienced the ups and downs that come with the story, I'm going to invite you to do two things:

1) pass the book on to someone else to read, 

and

2) choose kind. 

This story has been stuck in my head and heart since I finished it, and I keep thinking, how am I choosing kind?  It's what I'm called to do as a follower of Christ, but I don't think it is too lofty of an expectation for all humankind.  I wish I could say that it is ingrained in every part of my body, mind, and soul, but alas, I'm not that perfect.  Choosing to be kind is something I almost default to, but in all honesty, it is something I continue to seek out and practice.  What does it look like to choose kind?

 This past week I had the privilege to travel to Baltimore for the annual Association of Presbyterian Church Educators.  It was a wonderful time spent with many old friends, and a time, too, of making new friends.  Early into my trip, I had dinner with a man from Sapulpa, OK who was involved in Youth Ministry. He shared a story with us at the dinner table, and I left thinking, "he chose to be kind".  The next morning I rushed to find him midst the hundreds gathered to ask if I could share his story, and with his blessing (and in my own words)- here it is:

He'd been walking around the streets of Baltimore trying to find the perfect place for a meal.  Along his route, he encountered a man in need of many things - in need of shelter, in need of a shower, in need of a life without addiction, but most urgently at this time, in need of a meal.  My new friend said he was on route to lunch, and would be delighted to share a meal with the man.  He shared a story to his new lunch companion about how on an earlier trip he'd found a rockin' restaurant of a certain flavor, and as the two were walking, they happened upon the same kind of flavor of restaurant. They shared a meal together as well as a bit of each other's story, and then parted.  My new friend in his encounter with this man, chose kind.  He stopped to invite a stranger onto his path for an amount of time. He chose to be kind. 

I happened to be the stranger someone was kind to in my time in Baltimore last week.  I was having a frustrating day, which as we all might know, sometimes happens.  I was weary of many things, and struggling to see where I fit in this one environment.  I was on the phone with my mom (which is sometimes the best thing you can do on days like this, in my experience), pacing in front of the local grocery store.  I was explaining to my mom what I was feeling, and made the exasperated comment, "I just don't see how I fit into this world!".  I was speaking not of the world in general, but specifically the formal institutions of the world.  A young man carrying his groceries breezed past me during this moment, and without skipping a beat, turned back to me, and yelled, "Yes, you do!  You belong in this world!" and then kept walking.  Startled, I looked up a bit flabbergasted, and wanted to explain to him I know I belong in this world, but this was a hypothetical world.  

But before I could respond back, he turned again and shouted to me down the dark street, 

"We all have days like this.  You belong."

Y'all, I nearly started weeping then and there. I needed to hear that - from a random stranger on a dimly lit street in a strange city, at that time and place. 

He chose kind. 

Such simple words.

Such easy words to speak to a stranger. 

 Such plain and straightforward words that will remain tattooed on my heart forever. 

"Share with me."

"You belong."

"Choose kind."

Want to learn more about Wonder?  Check out the web page!

Want to publicly Choose Kind? Sign the pledge here!

Wait on the Lord

This reflection is a long time coming.  I originally started it at the beginning of Advent last year, and just know have been able to spend time getting my words right.  I finished it earlier this week for a reflection paper, but find these words speak to my soul in this time and place on my seminary campus.  The bold and italicized words are taken from Psalm 27  - a psalm that has been on my heart and mind for quite awhile.  If you are able, I would ask you keep the CTS community in your thoughts as we walk along side our beloved Hayner family during this time of transition.  In the midst of the waiting, we hold on to what we know - that we are Kingdom people - we come together and walk along side each other in times like these - with kindness and love. 

The Lord is my light and my salvation

 - whom shall I fear?

I've been here before - I've done this waiting before.  It's not the waiting that comes with the season of Advent - that waiting in the dark with the knowledge that the light will come - that the darkness will pass - this is a waiting where the darkness is never illuminated - is never brought into question - the darkness is just darkness.  This shadow never shifts, never gleans anything new - it dead ends into the place you know it will.  You try to ignore it - but the fear is there.  The fear of that returning pain of grief -

Wait on the Lord, be strong,

 and let your heart take courage.

I sat with spouses this summer - waiting like this - waiting for what we know was to come.  It was ugly - it was bloody - it was tedious - it was painful to live through - painful to watch... One spouse confessed to just wishing it would be over and than feeling guilt in wishing that of their loved one. "I sound so selfish - but I can't do this anymore - I'm not strong enough!"  What words of comfort do I have to offer in this season of waiting - in this time of transition - in this spring loaded space...

Wait on the Lord, be strong, 

and let your heart take courage.

I walked through this with my grandmother about a year ago. We'd lost her spouse of 60 + years at the end of summer, and we'd known they'd follow each other, even in death.  But as much as you think you're prepared, it still sneaks up on you and grabs at your heart and soul in ways you never expect.

But there it was - she was ill, and not going to get better. I'd received the phone call while on a Global Music Conference Retreat weekend at a ecumenical worship place in Richmond, VA, and I remember walking in circles in their calming garden, feeling my mind reel in circles with God. The words "why?" and "wait" were on repeat in my head and heart and I felt a bit lost. I couldn't make sense of much of anything - walking - thinking - praying in circles. 

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud - 

be gracious to me and answer me!

  She'd been moved to hospice the week before Thanksgiving, so I packed up early from school and headed west.  With my grandfather, his transition to hospice had been so quick.  I had this fear I wouldn't see my grandmother - wouldn't get to spend just a few more minutes with her.  When I thought more about it, she knew everything I would have wanted to say - I didn't keep that from her. She knew how much I admired her, loved her, and appreciated her.  (Y'all know me - I'm not one to keep silent about my feelings.)  But I knew I wouldn't be ok if I couldn't spend time with her before she was gone.

 “Come,” my heart says, “seek his face!”

    Your face, Lord, do I seek.

 I arrived at the Hospice Center, said a prayer for strength in my car and walked in.  I remember everyone being so kind - most of the staff remembered my grandfather and my family from that time, and they were just so kind to me.  One staff walked with me to her room - I am now so grateful  for that - I didn't realize how anxious I would be. I wasn't sure what I was expecting - tubes - acrid smells of antiseptic - a shell of the woman I treasured so dearly - I did not know what I would see.

The room was warm - cozy - inviting.  The glow of her glass Christmas tree illuminated the space in the way that almost seemed sacred.   She looked beautiful, as she always does. I hugged my aunt who was there, and chatted for awhile, and then she left. I was alone with my beloved Bamma, for our last sleepover together.

And that's when the waiting felt real.  While I knew that was my grandmother, it wasn't.  I spent the night listening to hymns mixed with the sound of her labored breathing.  In the midst of the night, my attitude shifted from one of "why" and "wait" to an attitude of "go home and be at peace". The next few days were exhausting - waiting for the phone call - waiting for the weight of the waiting to be lifted from our shoulders.

Wait on the Lord, be strong,

 and let your heart take courage.

Waiting is hard to do when you know the outcome. When you know the wait will come to an end with a big, gaping hole in your life -you may have to be strong.   When you know it will end up in a funeral parlor, gathered around an open casket - waiting takes courage.  In the midst of darkness and a swirling chaotic mind - you keep on waiting - preparing to greet the familiar face of grief.