Year Four - The Final Countdown

I've been thinking about writing this post for about a month now, and finally figured it was a good time to get it out of my head and onto the page.  I've officially been in my final year at CTS for over a week now, and let it be known, I most definitely feel like a senior.  I find motivation a little hard to come by. I'm not as excited or energetic like the new class of students on campus.  While their excitement and energy is contagious, I also find it exhausting.  I find myself more business oriented, trying to be efficient and effective, and when you do that, sometimes relationship building gets left on the side road. There probably is a perfectly good explanation as to why I feel this way: I'm still recovering from CPE this summer, I'm adjusting back to being on campus after nine months away, or maybe it's because I still sometimes surprise myself thinking I am still a student.  

Let's rewind three years.

First of all, when I came out to Decatur, Georgia for seminary, I honest to goodness thought I would be here for three years, graduate before I turned thirty, and return home to my amazing family, wonderful boyfriend, adoring cat, and find a church in the Great State of Texas doing Youth Ministry and preaching every once in a while. In fact, I made myself freak out less about being five states away by repeating this mantra on a regular basis during my first semester when I was balancing learning Hebrew and remembering how to write papers after a five year break from college.  

I remember driving out to Atlanta.  I'd spent the night in Tyler, Texas with my grandparents, and as I was having breakfast with my Peepa, I couldn't help but just get weepy.  Peepa prayed with me and told me how proud he was I was going to be a preacher. I remember I tried to correct him in saying I would be a minister of sorts, and he just gave me a look (any of my family will remember that look Peepa gave).  It meant, "be quiet, I'm right." He walked me to my over-loaded car, gave me a hug and shared a story of what it was like for him when he left home for the war.  I think I cried all the way from Tyler through the entire state of Louisiana and possibly stopped only in Vicksburg, MS.  Then, I cried some more when I saw a sign for Dallas, Georgia (really?!?!?!)

I wouldn't say I came to seminary kicking and screaming, but I came with a heavy heart.  I left behind all I knew of my life in Texas - my friends, my family, my job, and yes, my bed!  I often found myself looking up at the sky shaking  my head, kind of stuck in this, "I know I should be here, but why is it so hard???"

Well, if you have known me at all in the past three years, you might know the cat died.

Rest in Peace, Charlie.




The relationship with the boyfriend ended, and I added another degree and will graduate at the beautiful age of thirty (which I turn in a few weeks). The family is still amazing and continues to grow - I've gone from one nephew and one niece to two of each, with another nephew on the way this fall!  By the grace of God, I've been able to be present when they've been born, and I have to say, being an Auntie is one of THE BEST things ever. 

Nephew #1 - I look so young!

Niece #1

Nephew #2!

Niece #2!

While I've sometimes struggled with being at CTS, I have never doubted my being here.  I knew Columbia was where God was calling me from the moment I stepped on the campus - EVEN before I applied to be a M.Div seminarian (just like in 1999 as a high school freshman I knew Austin College would be the one.)  Oh, how I've been homesick (shout out to the siblings & parents & family & friends who answer my calls when I feel weepy), but the the growth I've experienced here has been life changing.  

Taken sometime during Fall during my first year out here in GA.

  I've fallen in love with Atlanta (for the most part) and have come to appreciate the history of the city, the diverse cultures represented, and all FOUR seasons that happen here.  The food's not bad either. I've had family and friends come out and visit me here, and been able to share with them this city that now has a special place in my heart.  

Dish duty at Camp Buc for an All Church Retreat

 I've interned in inner-city churches, one vibrantly healthy and growing, the other one rapidly declining and figuring out it's role in the church, the city, and their own community. I've learned a bit about grant writing, joined a Gospel Choir, mastered the Hebrew and the Greek, and made some friends who I hope will be around for the rest of my life.  

I've even sung karaoke with a real life hard rock band.  

 I've loved how close Atlanta is to quite a few other places - I've done Mardi Gras in Mobile, Winter in Florida, Spring Break in Myrtle Beach, and spent a summer in North Carolina.  Ok, I've fallen for the state of North Carolina too...and not just the part called "Montreat" (though being 3 hours away is AWESOME.) 

From my summer at UPC in Chapel Hill, NC

 I've traveled more than I would have ever imagined - including a trip across the pond to study at Cambridge.  

Some of the lovely ladies I met at Westminster. 

I STUDIED AT CAMBRIDGE. 

 (Sometimes I don't even believe that happened...)

I mean...I met Rowan Williams...in person...

In the past three years, I've passed all my Ordination Exams. I've spent hours in classrooms listening to professors whom I admire, reflecting on readings, and responding alongside my classmates. I've done more group projects than I ever thought I would in graduate school. 

I've spent even more hours reading, then re-reading essays, chapters, sermons, scripture, and even books.  (This doesn't surprise me, I know graduate school included reading.  I just didn't quite understand how foreign some of the reading would be for me.  Thank heavens for Shirley Guthrie.)

I've worked on my spirituality. I've practiced silence, explored prayer, and found myself continually humbled at how and where God shows up.  Gratitude has taken on an entirely new meaning.  And somewhere along the way of the journey, I stopped looking up at the sky asking "why me, O God?", and started looking saying, "I'll go where you send me."  I came out here with quite clear expectations for myself, and in the way it often happens, those expectations have changed, and I don't mourn that. There's an image from StoryPeople, by Brian Andreas, called Falling into Place, and it sums up where I stand quite perfectly:

As much as I would love to return to Texas upon graduating on 5-16-15, I'm open to where God sends me.  I've mastered the Skyping, the flying home, and even the driving home (Thank you Audible!).  I remember when my parents came to visit me in North Carolina and my mom said, "keep going to neat places so we can always come and visit."  In a weird way (and she probably didn't know it), it was a permission I hadn't asked for or thought I needed, to go where I am called.  I guess I see it more as a blessing these days.

So I will take on this Senior Year.  I will pray for a positive spirit.  I'll try not to be a negative nelly in group projects.  I will try to allow myself to share in the excitement and energy of our new students.  I will remember that there are ways to be efficient and effective while maintaining relationships and building up our community. I know my God has called me out - called me to serve a broken world - called me to work towards healing and reconciliation - called me to think creatively and teach the ancient words in ways that all children of God can understand. As I begin this year and prepare for transitioning out of seminary into the church, it won't be the beginning of my ministry, but a continuation.

 It's going to be scary. There will probably be much uncertainty.  It might be hard.  I bet it will be exhausting.

But, I'm ready.

I've got some good people holding me in prayer. I've got some good people to reach out to and ask for help, ask for guidance, ask for a good laugh, or maybe, a good cry.

I know that as I move towards #fivesixteenfifteen (CTS graduation date), there's still much to learn and much to do. So with a willing heart, I'll try and give it my all.