But
if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit
helps us in our weakness for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that
very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who
searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes
for the saints according to the will of God.
- Romans 8:25-27
If you follow this blog at all, you might notice there was quite the gap in my last post up until now. If you follow me on other social media, you'll know I'm alive and well - and finishing up this last year at Columbia. If we've spent time together in these past four months, you too, might know, I'm still that Chatty Kathy I tend to be.
So, what gives?
I think I was at a loss of words. More specifically, a loss of words to share with others. I started my fall semester a bit weary after an amazing and challenging summer serving as a hospital Chaplain. I'd been away from campus about nine months, and I didn't feel like I'd "come home". I'd had four months of home in Cambridge, four months of home in Texas - and it wasn't as easy just to pick up where I'd left off.
And while I gleaned much from my classes, they weren't necessarily the classes that got my heart going - they were more the exhausting and emotionally draining types of classes. There was my Ethics class that focused on Providence and Theodicy, which I quickly nicknamed "Processing CPE" (my hospital gig). We had good conversations that were so, so, so difficult, and I often left with more questions than I began with. All good things - but challenging all the same. There was my Creation Care class which was taught by Professor Doom (I promise, I didn't give him this nickname!), where once again we had good, challenging discussions on scripture and our role in God's good creation. I'd come home and feel like my composting coffee grounds just wouldn't cut it in our ever increasing polluted and worn out world. By the time I made it to the end of my week, in my Marriage and Family Counseling class I would be on sensory overload. I kept waiting for our case studies in that class to become less personable, but in my life, much like many others - I've seen the effects of suicide, infidelity, addiction, mental illness, chronic illness and more. There's a face I recognize for every one of those topics, and it was emotionally hard for me to sit through these discussions.
I also was out of practice of writing in my journal and self-reflection which wreaked havoc on my processing. My heart felt heavy and it seemed to be a season of frustration - of transition - of pent up thoughts and ideas I had no idea how to give words to.
And then, a shift.
There's quite a few resources that reflect on the verse above from Romans, but I most like at this time of a new season what this one says:
“We are not left alone in our waiting and struggle, for "the Spirit helps us in our weakness". Even though we don't know how or what to pray, the Spirit intercedes for us with "inarticulate groans ". The NRSV translation, "with sighs too deep for words," obscures the parallel between our "groaning" and that of the Spirit. Just as we groan together with the whole creation, the Spirit groans together with and for us, interceding for us according to the will of God.
Our grasp of God's will and the future God has in store for creation is limited at best. How can we pray for what we have not seen and have difficulty imagining? The Spirit gives voice to what we cannot articulate but hope and long for in our inmost selves.”
A shift, where the Spirit has given voice to what I have difficulty imagining.
A movement in my soul towards new life.
A time at home to rest.
A time to click submit on all your school work, and be done.
A time to gather with friends and family around the table (and sometimes do crafts).
A time to hear words of encouragement and wisdom from mentors in my faith tradition.
A time to bake dozens upon dozens of cookies with the women in my family.
A time for afternoon tea parties with nieces, afternoon cuddles with nephews while reading stories, and of course, to decorate Christmas cookies.
A time to recognize this journey called seminary is almost ever, and something new is coming.
A time for exploring your home city with friends from different times in your life, rejoicing in the mutual friendships, and your love for the city.
A time to binge watch the latest Dr. Who with your sister.
A time to go out and dance with your siblings to an 80's cover band.
A time to feel how light your heart has become and wonder if the dark shadows of grief have lessened.
A time for the Spirit to intercede in the wonderful and unpredictable way that Spirit does.
A time to recognize a season has passed, and a new season is upon us. A season that is full of light and hope - a season that brings warmth despite the cold, and brings a reminder in a tiny babe that God hasn't abandoned God's people.
Praise be to God for that Spirit that reminds us in the midst of our weakness and groans, there is a hope for what we cannot see.
So cheers, in this new year, in this new season, and blessings as you journey along.
Yes. You are back. Write on.
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