Not So Breaking News

 Ok everyone.  I'm ready to confess something that I have realized and has been very appearent while I've been here at CTS.  Ready?

I'm not perfect.

(insert gasp/sigh/cries of the heart here)

For some, this may not be breaking news.  Even for myself, I feel I've learned this lesson a couple times before.  But once again here at school I find myself falling into this idea that I need to do all these things to be "right", or look "good", or at least seem like what a seminarian is. (This is not to say I walk around  being blasphemous...I don't.)  

But...sometimes unladylike things come from my mouth; I might let a word out that if I had said as a child it meant I had the privilege of brushing my teeth with baking soda, which may be good for some but I find totally gross. Sometimes I think a mean thought about something/someone and I might actually say it out loud.  I don't always intentionally mean to, but I do. I've heard a word I actually kind of like to describe this not so perfect side of me: snarky. 

Even though I like the word, I don't always enjoy how I feel when I am snarky.  I don't like feeling mean or rude; I've always said I don't understand mean people and I mean it!  Sarcasm is fine and dandy but I find myself wondering where the line is drawn.  As cute as snarky sounds, it still can be hurtful.

Has anyone made it here yet?

 Another aspect of my not so perfect side is my desire to do everything. And please everybody. And still look amazing doing it all.  This is my side that gets me in trouble at times.  In my undergrad years, I overbooked myself and while I LOVED everything I was doing, looking at my weekly calendar exhausted me.  Looking back I give praise and thanks to God for sustaining me in the mysterious ways He did (without Red Bull!).  Here at CTS, I struggle with this need.  I wish I could spend time with everyone doing everything; I wish I could TRULY multitask and study/hang out/make coffee/work out all at the same time. The one time I tried to do vocabulary cards on the treadmill I nearly fell off and got motion sickness!  

Words of Wisdom
In this desire to do all/be all, I lose a part of myself.  I end up exhausted at the end of the week.  I end up not feeling like the beautiful and wonderful creation God has created in me. I then question what God is truly calling me to actually be doing!  
I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of weeks when trying to figure out what I needed to be doing and what I was capable of doing: pray.  (Some of you all can just shake your head now...I already imagine you doing so...) When I rise from bed, I say a quick prayer asking God to guide me throughout my day.  It is a BIG reminder for me in starting my day that it is just one day and I should try and make the most of it yes, without trying to exhaust myself.  This simple prayer in the morning reminds me also throughout the day about the choices I make...I'm less likely to spend 1.5 hours "catching up" on a tv show or searching the internet.  I become a better steward of my time.  I also am a better friend, peer, student, sister, daughter, etc to all the amazing people in my life.

My quest for perfection will probably continue to play out in my life but I do know I will refuse to let it dominate my life. Yes, this means on some days I will not spend crazy amounts of time getting ready and will wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt but will be my delightful self.  It means I will not volunteer for every awesome opportunity I see.  (And that's ok.) If you look to scripture, perfection is never human; it's related to God, His law, and His works.  (Oh, we also see it in His son...Jesus.)  

That's reassuring - and applicable. There is perfection in God's creation - have you ever witnessed a sunset from a hill or mountain? There is perfection in God's love - have you witnessed the love between a couple married for over 60 years or between a mother and child?  There is perfection in following God's law - this doesn't make us perfect, but it does hold us to a higher standard. God intended us to be as we are: "for  you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  (Psalm 139:13-14) 

  

Living God's laws is hard, especially when I am frustrated and want to say that word that one word that is not ladylike. Living in a world that expects perfection is hard, especially when I feel bombarded with images of perfection.  I find peace (and grace) in scripture reminding me what perfection truly is:
I will proclaim the name of the LORD. 
   Oh, praise the greatness of our God! 
 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, 
   and all his ways are just. 
A faithful God who does no wrong, 
   upright and just is he. ~ Deuteronomy 32:3-4


Abba Father, you works are perfection that we often overlook. Your words call us to a higher standard and we thank you for calling us to live out your commandments in a world that tells us differently.  Thank you for all the ways you remind us how "perfect" we are made in your love and how you love us.  Amen.