Cast Away

No, I am not starting to resemble Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away, and no, I haven't actually been "cast away". 


These two words just happen to pop in my head right after I wrote out my to-do list and I was staring at it, starting to get a little glazed eye.


Yes, I know it is only the 2nd day of the semester, but you haven't seen my to-do list.  


Quick Lesson on Katy's To-Do Lists:

• I love making them.  
• I love the power of being able to cross or check something off of them, even if it is minor.  
• That being said, I am so not above putting "shower" on my to-do list because of the warm-fuzzy feelings I get because I have accomplished something. 
• My to-do list is all of my life: school reading combined with personal tasks (any of you who receive mail from me, thank my to-do list!)
• I prefer colorful to-do lists (different colors designate priority given...or my mood towards task...)
• Unfortunately, my to-do list tonight is not as fun as some of my others. 

*sigh*

Gearing up for Spring semester also means looking towards Summer and Fall - yikes!  As I was staring down the list from tonight, those two words popped in my head - "cast away". 

At first I was thrilled with the idea of throwing my list away and then realized that is not the grown up thing to do.

My next thought involving those words were from scripture, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  taken from I Peter 5:7. 

Maybe it's because I have one actual class of Exegesis under my belt or because I've been reading lots of Bible this week (yay Bible Content Ordination Exam!) but two words stick out to me:

all & cares

We aren't told turn over one or two things; we aren't told to give just the hardest thing to God - we are instructed to give it all.  ALL of our worries, our troubles, our anxiety composed in a 12 + to-do list.  While this doesn't exactly mean God's going to take your list from under your pillow and do it all for you, but He is going to be there with you.  

Know why?

Because He cares.  Not because He has to, not because we want Him to. Because He loves us and cares for us so much that He willingly wants to be with us along this journey.  

I don't know about you, but that makes me feel a little more confident in my abilities to accomplish my to-do list. I feel I often remember to thank God in times of joy and celebration, and tonight I am reminded how thankful I am for His care even in times of stress.

I know this is just the beginning of my semester; I know it is also still very early in my Seminary journey.  There will be more stress to come - more mountains to climb - more to-do lists to make.

But I have every confidence in my God to not leave me stranded on my mountain alone, that I will be joined in this journey.

What a gift to be thankful for.

Gracious God who provides at all times in our lives - we give you thanks for your care and love of your people.  You give us simple instructions we stubbornly refuse to follow, making our steps heavier and more burdened. Take away our obstinate nature and replace it with a willingness to cast our anxieties to you.  In your holy name we give all praise, Amen.

Phantom Pain

The Phantom of Pain...in Katy's face.

Greetings friends!  I apologize for my lack of posting this past week, but I think I have a good reason on the delay.  This story sounds a bit ridiculous now that I have it written out, but it is true.  There are two things you need to know about me though in reading this story: 1) I am totally a worrier; I try not to be, but I am 2) I may have a bit of an imagination...ok, extremely so.


So for the past month or so I have been experiencing pain in my face.  I was so sure it was a toothache and just dreaded going to the dentist.  My imagination and worrying were getting the best of me - I had the image I would be eating something and my tooth would just fall out.  OR I would go to the dentist and when they tapped it with the scary metal thing my tooth would explode!  (Remember, imaginative...)  The weekend before I went, I made the mistake of talking to some friends about root canals.  Oh my goodness, do those sound scary!  I was so convinced that I had that problem and was DREADING going into the dentist. After numerous calls to my amazing dentist back home, I finally stopped being a wimp and went in to get it checked out. 

These chairs scare me.  I wish I still went to the kid dentist.

  Surprise, surprise - it was actually a great visit to the dentist!  Nothing was wrong with the area I pointed out.  This was good news...but I still had this phantom pain.  The dentist suggested it could be sinus/ear troubles so I decided to suck it up some more and try and see my doctor when I went home in a couple of weeks.

I'm ok accepting this award this past month.

Well, that was the plan.  But this past week, the pain had escalated so bad I couldn't sleep, was hardly eating (ya'll know how much I love food...) and even playing with cute small children was not distracting me.  I was tired of taking advil and falling asleep with ice packs, and I am sure my dear friends were tired of me whining, so I went into the Urgent Care center down the road.

Apparently you magically grow older when you dislocate your jaw...

I walked in feeling slightly silly because I didn't really show any symptoms - except for the big ol' cry baby tears running down my face.  Got to see the doctor, explained the situation and he started pushing on my face.  At one point, he had me open my jaw while he applied pressure.  During this exercise, we heard a loud pop and a shift in my jaw.  It seems my jaw had been OUT OF PLACE without me knowing about it, and he popped it back in.  He recommended another doctor to check it out because it is most likely related to TMJD and will happen again.  I left with an anti-inflammatory prescription and feeling hopeful. 


So.  That should be the end of the story.  WRONG.  By the end of that day I felt worse and couldn't hardly communicate.  I walked around with frozen peas on my face at the grocery story and still felt absolutely awful.  I had been told to minimize the opening and closing of my mouth; no talking, chewing, etc...Basically I looked like this:

I called the specialist doctor to schedule an appointment and he gave me some abstract ways to help with pain, but none of them were solutions that could be used outside my bed.  (ice packs, softballs, and pillows - I can just imagine the looks I would get in class!)  Thank goodness for understanding peers and professors who are willing to be flexible and sympathetic, and for giant cups with really cold drinks (it helped so much!).  My parents were coming into town (which makes everything better) but I knew I would want to eat the delicious food and not feel bad when they were around.  I went back to the Urgent Care place Thursday, talked to a new doctor, and got a new treatment plan.  It's amazing what getting rid of pain can do - for one, it helps you sleep!  And sleep is  wonderful thing indeed.  

My prayer verse this week - turn it all over to God!
By the time my parents were here, I resumed looking like a semi normal human and was feeling less pain  in the face and just more dull aching.  I give thanks and praise to God for the prayers people said, for the pain being taken away, and for finding out I wasn't going crazy with the phantom pain.  I am a bit of a baby when it comes to not feeling well, but I like to think I can manage very well.  I knew I was not in a good place when I was thinking my tonsillectomy was a breeze...
In times of illness and sickness, it's hard to remember everything is going to be all right.  I get so wrapped up in the actual pain, I can't get over it. And then when it passed, I would be dreading it's next appearance. Even with my dear friends patting my back, praying for me, I was caught up in the pain.  It reminds me of other times I've been in pain - heartache, grief, worried, troubled - all the pains in the world that are so deeply felt. What I experienced this week could be considered a test of faith, not that I think my God is punishing me, but I found myself saying, "I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but could he just take this pain away?"

Have you ever said that out loud in times of pain? Do you get over it but then find yourself worrying about the next pain that will enter into your life?  How easy it is to forget the blessings that are still abundant during these hard times!  How easy it is to forget our God does not abandon us during these times!  There is abundant examples in scripture of what happens to those who worry and don't fully trust in God (remember that guy Jonah?) and we are blatantly given words of comfort for these times.
My new prayer is that I remember these scriptures during the in between times of pain, and not just in the painful time. Thinking ahead of troubles does no good - Matthew says it - we have enough troubles for today.  Let's turn those over to God...
  As far as the next step in treatment...unsure.  I do know I was blessed to enjoy an amazingly relaxing and fantastic time with my parents while they were here and eat more than just baby food and oatmeal without major consequences. If anyone knows of a good doctor (who ideally takes insurance) for TMJD related issues, I would be ever appreciative for some information - whether it is Dallas, TX or Atlanta, GA.

In closing, I hope to post at least once more this week...the topic has just about nothing to do with seminary, and will need some outside input.  I hope you look forward to it as much as I do in writing it!  (Key - involves debating between my favorite animals...)
Blessings,
K

I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change

Have you ever felt this way towards someone you love?  You love them unconditionally but wouldn't mind if they would stop touching their silverware to their teeth when they eat, because that noise makes you cringe like nobody's business.

I have to admit - guilty like whoa on this one. The post I wrote the other day on perfection has kind of stuck with me. And has made me feel a bit hypocritical which I hate feeling.  I've noticed I get frustrated at other people for their lack of perfection. I seem to hold everyone else up to these higher standards, and yet when I think about it, I can't even maintain the standards.

Yikes.

And ouch, to my self esteem.

I wondered about this often over the past week; I like to think I am a nice, friendly and kind.  But I don't always act like that - especially when I work alongside people who don't do things like I do, or when I hear stories about things I highly disagree with, or even when I am driving along some Atlanta roads with some not so courteous drivers. I don't like this version of me.  It goes against everything I spoke about the other day!

So what to do? I like this quote from Leonard Cohen; I think it speaks to ways of embracing not just my own imperfections, but in accepting other's imperfections.  So what if my peers don't wipe down the counters how I would wipe them down; I have years of experience working in my family's kitchen and a catering kitchen where we had certain expectations.  Instead of whining about it, I could embrace their way as they show a different way.  So what if that car cuts me off and leads me to think ugly thoughts toward them; I should just take a deep breath and pray that if they are in a hurry, they get there safely.  And do the people who think different thoughts?  That is an opportunity for my mind to be expanded.

My personal goal this week is to stop looking at and judging the imperfections I see in people and start embracing them.  Who knows - the light might shine on something new.

Gracious God, you created a unique and very diverse world. Help me to notice the variety of gifts and talents and embrace them; keep my eyes open to see all people as you do, and love them as you do.  In a world so full of injustice and hatred, I pray I keep your love in my heart and in my actions.  Let me remember that even cracked bells ring clear and beautifully. In all I do, I pray  I remember the grace you so freely give me and remember that with all the people I serve and love. In your name, Amen.

Not So Breaking News

 Ok everyone.  I'm ready to confess something that I have realized and has been very appearent while I've been here at CTS.  Ready?

I'm not perfect.

(insert gasp/sigh/cries of the heart here)

For some, this may not be breaking news.  Even for myself, I feel I've learned this lesson a couple times before.  But once again here at school I find myself falling into this idea that I need to do all these things to be "right", or look "good", or at least seem like what a seminarian is. (This is not to say I walk around  being blasphemous...I don't.)  

But...sometimes unladylike things come from my mouth; I might let a word out that if I had said as a child it meant I had the privilege of brushing my teeth with baking soda, which may be good for some but I find totally gross. Sometimes I think a mean thought about something/someone and I might actually say it out loud.  I don't always intentionally mean to, but I do. I've heard a word I actually kind of like to describe this not so perfect side of me: snarky. 

Even though I like the word, I don't always enjoy how I feel when I am snarky.  I don't like feeling mean or rude; I've always said I don't understand mean people and I mean it!  Sarcasm is fine and dandy but I find myself wondering where the line is drawn.  As cute as snarky sounds, it still can be hurtful.

Has anyone made it here yet?

 Another aspect of my not so perfect side is my desire to do everything. And please everybody. And still look amazing doing it all.  This is my side that gets me in trouble at times.  In my undergrad years, I overbooked myself and while I LOVED everything I was doing, looking at my weekly calendar exhausted me.  Looking back I give praise and thanks to God for sustaining me in the mysterious ways He did (without Red Bull!).  Here at CTS, I struggle with this need.  I wish I could spend time with everyone doing everything; I wish I could TRULY multitask and study/hang out/make coffee/work out all at the same time. The one time I tried to do vocabulary cards on the treadmill I nearly fell off and got motion sickness!  

Words of Wisdom
In this desire to do all/be all, I lose a part of myself.  I end up exhausted at the end of the week.  I end up not feeling like the beautiful and wonderful creation God has created in me. I then question what God is truly calling me to actually be doing!  
I had a bit of an epiphany a couple of weeks when trying to figure out what I needed to be doing and what I was capable of doing: pray.  (Some of you all can just shake your head now...I already imagine you doing so...) When I rise from bed, I say a quick prayer asking God to guide me throughout my day.  It is a BIG reminder for me in starting my day that it is just one day and I should try and make the most of it yes, without trying to exhaust myself.  This simple prayer in the morning reminds me also throughout the day about the choices I make...I'm less likely to spend 1.5 hours "catching up" on a tv show or searching the internet.  I become a better steward of my time.  I also am a better friend, peer, student, sister, daughter, etc to all the amazing people in my life.

My quest for perfection will probably continue to play out in my life but I do know I will refuse to let it dominate my life. Yes, this means on some days I will not spend crazy amounts of time getting ready and will wear yoga pants and a sweatshirt but will be my delightful self.  It means I will not volunteer for every awesome opportunity I see.  (And that's ok.) If you look to scripture, perfection is never human; it's related to God, His law, and His works.  (Oh, we also see it in His son...Jesus.)  

That's reassuring - and applicable. There is perfection in God's creation - have you ever witnessed a sunset from a hill or mountain? There is perfection in God's love - have you witnessed the love between a couple married for over 60 years or between a mother and child?  There is perfection in following God's law - this doesn't make us perfect, but it does hold us to a higher standard. God intended us to be as we are: "for  you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  (Psalm 139:13-14) 

  

Living God's laws is hard, especially when I am frustrated and want to say that word that one word that is not ladylike. Living in a world that expects perfection is hard, especially when I feel bombarded with images of perfection.  I find peace (and grace) in scripture reminding me what perfection truly is:
I will proclaim the name of the LORD. 
   Oh, praise the greatness of our God! 
 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, 
   and all his ways are just. 
A faithful God who does no wrong, 
   upright and just is he. ~ Deuteronomy 32:3-4


Abba Father, you works are perfection that we often overlook. Your words call us to a higher standard and we thank you for calling us to live out your commandments in a world that tells us differently.  Thank you for all the ways you remind us how "perfect" we are made in your love and how you love us.  Amen.

Concerning the Call

I've probably spent way too much time thinking of a clever witty title for this blog that I may just be settling, but I chose "Concerning the Call" for a couple of reasons I'd like to share.

1) It sounds less conceited than "Katy's Call" but still contains some alliteration. And we all know how much I love alliteration - close but not quite as much as peanut butter.

2) This blog is about my call - my call to ministry and where I belong. A term that is often used is "discerning", but as I stated earlier, I do like my alliteration. I looked up the definition of discerning and it is defined as "having or showing good judgement" while concerning is defined as "on the subject of or in connection with". While I pray my discerning will prove true to this definition, at this time, I mostly feel I am dealing with the subject of my call, and all that comes with it.

3) I even thought about adding "...at Columbia" for more alliteration, but I anticipate (and have already experienced) much in connection with my call not here on this campus. I find some excitement and joy knowing God works beyond classrooms and state lines and anticipate all He has planned for me.

4) The word "concern" can have numerous connotations beyond just being connected. You can be concerned about a loved one's health, or concerned about the weather. While some might think of "concern" leaning more towards the negative side, it honestly means to be engaged in something. I have engaged on a journey here at Columbia Theological Seminary that is life changing already. I find it interesting that a synonym for "concern" is "touch" - that to me expresses a more intimate engagement. In some ways I imagine God is concerned with me - reaching out, touching, engaging the Holy Spirit at work in my life in ways I never imagined.

5) And finally, no one had any better ideas. Or even if they did, they didn't tell me.

So, long story short: this blog concerns my call. I am moved in (well, mostly...) here at Columbia Theological Seminary in Decatur, GA for school. I am excited about it all but really do miss my friends and family back in the great state of Texas. Orientation doesn't begin for a week, but I'm here attending a Youth Ministry Leadership Initiative (YMLI) seminar on Soul Tending. No worries, you'll hear more about it tomorrow. I'll fill y'all in on all my hopes, dreams, goals, and much more later, but do want to leave you with a bible verse that has been following me around of late. (And that's a good thing.)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I give thanks for save travels and all those who serve in keeping the roads of our nation safe. I praise you for this wonderful world you have made and all the beauty within it. I thank you for the countless blessings you have provided in my life, especially the amazing ones' back home in TX. I ask for courage as I begin this journey and pray I remember you do have plans for me. In your Holy name I pray, Amen.